Illustrations by Kourtney Zimmerman
Doubloons
You ran for class treasurer. You know what you’d say to each Shark Tank judge if they asked for equity. You were a crypto millionaire for at least five minutes.
MoonPies
People have called you ‘wise beyond your years’ in a way that wasn’t a compliment. You fight about conspiracy theories on Reddit. You love root beer and are prepared to fight to the death if someone calls it an “old person drink” to your face again.
Cups
You’d drink wine out of anything. You’ve been sipping from the same Krewe of Cleopatra glitter cup since 2016. You reuse Shein bags for road snacks.
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Stuffed Animals
Your idea of a nice, relaxing getaway is Disney World. Every so often you check eBay to see how much your Beanie Babies are worth. You’ll never forgive your brother for ripping off the arm of your childhood teddy, Mr. Inky Binky Bear.
T-Shirts
You still have sweatshirts from your exes. You’re the one friend who finds the one cute thing at a thrift store. You own three pairs of jeans you wear nowhere and one pair of jeans you wear everywhere.
Frisbees
You played intramural sports in college and are overly confident at bar trivia nights. You could subsist solely on Popeye’s biscuits.
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Koozies
You judge people who don’t use koozies. You can’t stand to be hot or cold. You prefer hot pizza, but leftover pizza has to be cold.
Beads
You have a ton of friends.
Beads with Medallions
You have a ton of friends on floats.
Beads That Light Up
You have a ton of friends wearing crowns on floats.
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Women’s Undergarments
You sometimes sleep in socks or naked. You keep your eyes half open when you kiss. Your love language is all of them.
Sunglasses
The thought of going outside is more appealing to you than the act of going outside. You blame your bad eyesight on a dare to look directly at the sun in the second grade. You went through a purple phase in high school.
Plungers or Toilet Brushes
There’s definitely an issue with the way your body digests dairy. You eat cheese every day anyway. Your best hookup was with a Krewe of Tucks member.
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Masks
Halloween is your second-favorite holiday. You tell everyone who’ll listen that you’ve seen Phantom of the Opera twelve times, but it’s actually twenty. You love costume parties as long as yours is the clear winner.
Mirror Compacts
You answer “femme fatale” when people ask about your hobbies. You feel weird putting chapstick on in public. You could never be “a faithful” on the show The Traitors.
Genie Lamps
Your favorite people are from the Westbank. You’re convinced you’re one lottery ticket away from never having to pretend to care about people’s personal problems at work ever again. You used to think you were a clairvoyant, but it turns out you’re neurodivergent.
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Coconuts
You’re a beach person—and by beach person, you mean a pool person. You think pineapples are overrated. You haven’t been able to drink rum in five years since “the incident.”
Shoes
One of your many toxic traits is you think you could win a foot race in heels. You prefer boiled shrimp over boiled crawfish but have never said those words out loud. You feel a deep, inexplicable bond with Scrim, the dog fugitive.
Beer
This is not a Mardi Gras throw at all. This is just something your friend tossed to you before you passed out at the pregame and missed the parade entirely.
